Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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