her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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