Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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