so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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