I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize