I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
