rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
