Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
