Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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