Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize
