I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It's rum buckets o'clock
I supernannyed him into submission
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
