You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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