I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
