i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
