i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
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