the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize