cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
