I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
