I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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