Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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