There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
