party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
