dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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