we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
