omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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