He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize