This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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