so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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