Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
