I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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