that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We need to rekindle our bromance
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
