She is in my trunk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
