so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
