Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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