A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Randomize
