did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I want to fling myself into the sun
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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