this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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