They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
