here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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