I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
