Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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