I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
