yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
