i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
