I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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