After last night, I could never be a politician.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
