I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Randomize