I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
