How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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