Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
