My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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