mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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