insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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