somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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