I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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