It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
soo... how was my night?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
