Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
