Too much gin, very little bucket
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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