remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
