I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
