he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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